TIFFANY JOY MOORE

If you listen to my podcast, you know that I've always had a deep interest in connection. I started the podcast to reveal layers of myself that I knew wouldn't be appropriate in every day conversation. That sounds good, but in all honesty, I did it because I was desperate to connect with people in ways I knew I never could in person. One of my biggest fears is being vulnerable. In fact, it just may be the biggest fear. I've spent my life building walls and perfecting my suit of armor. Being vulnerable was always the equivalent of being weak. When I look back on my life, it all seems so crystal clear. I was so transparent. 

 

I think we all become this sort of walking billboard/resume. We all have our story. This is something I really became aware of when I was in rehab. Yes, hello, my name is Tiffany and I'm a recovering addict. My life has been consumed with addiction, for as long as I can remember. Alcohol, food, drugs, love, attention, sex. I have had extremely unhealthy relationships with all of these things, and then some. So what makes me qualified to conduct a program on connection,vulnerability & shame? Many, if not ALL of you, have most likely seen me wasted out of my mind, making out with a plastic blowup doll while dry humping the arm of a couch. I get it, trust me. There is not a single cell in my body that makes me think I am qualified to do this as a researcher or professional in ANY way. 

 

Honestly, the main reason I am doing this is to help expose myself to being vulnerable. 

 

This has been happening for a few years now in my podcasts, but for some reason, I completely close up to this feeling in person. It's one thing talking into a microphone, telling yourself no one is listening and doesn't really give a shit what you're saying  anyway. But actual face-to-face, human vulnerability? That is almost NEVER an option for me. I, like most people, tend to view being vulnerable as being weak. And this course is all about exposing this myth. My goal is to open myself up, completely, to everyone listening, as well as the people I see face-to-face in my daily life. And this scares the shit out of me! But ultimately, worth it.

 

No matter how many Narcotics Anonymous meetings I attended, there was always AT LEAST one person who had their story down. "Hi, my name is Bob and I'm an addict. When I was 7 my mom abandoned me and I have been on the streets ever since. I started using crack at age 10 and have been in the hospital over 30 times from overdosing on heroin. I recently lost my girlfriend to meth and I'm getting kicked out of my apartment." It was like they had repeated this story so many times, in so many meetings, it was the only way they could define themselves. This was their walking resume. My story became my mantra. "I'm an addict."  It felt like every time I said this phrase, something in me was deciphering the code. "I'm an addict. I'm scared shitless of being sober. I am incapable of being vulnerable. I'm not worth being loved." Although this realization did not come until much later, in hindsight, I can now identify the emotion that was lying beneath that phrase, for me.

 

When I started to seek out information on shame, I realized how little I recognized it in my own life. Shame is great at hiding, lurking anywhere and everywhere. My experience with shame is intensely deep-rooted. But we'll get into all of that in the program.

 

If I'm being completely honest, this whole idea is terrifying to me. I have moments where this voice keeps chiming in. “Who do you think you are? Seriously? YOU are going to try to inspire people? You honestly think people are going to listen to this shit? I hope you're ready to be disappointed.” You know that voice. The one that is just constantly. nagging. The voice that every single person on the planet understands. Sometimes, the only voice I ever hear. It's times like these, I wish I were a quitter.

 

And then something in me allows a burst of light, a stream of consciousness. I have spent years (believe it or not) hard-wiring my mind to bounce back. To fall in to my darkness, and other times, only dip my toes in for a bit because the water is sooooo fine. There is something so seductive about the dark. Don't be fooled, I'm not dark, or even sad. I can honestly say, things are pretty fucking good. There's a balance in it all. And from time to time, I fall, but it's never an option to take up a room like the good ole days. I know I don't stay too long anymore.

 

My goals for this course are, ultimately, to spread awareness of the importance of connection. This is the heart of it all. The only phrase that has been on endless repeat in my head is “we only experience the things we do in life to have the tools to help other people going through the same experiences.” I believe that connection is why we are all here. In this course, I am going to try to break down shame, guilt, vulnerability, empathy, sympathy, perfectionism and how they are all made up of the fear of disconnection. I'm going to share super personal things about my life that have led me to these discoveries and why they are so important to our true happiness.

 

But, ultimately, this is a journey we will all be taking together. I don't think any of these things can ever be “mastered”, and who would want to? Once you achieve everything you could ever imagine emotionally, there's only down. 

 

I really hope you choose to join me for this ongoing experience. If you aren't familiar with podcasts and need more information on listening to the show, just message me and I will break it all down for you. This is a free program, but a risky commitment. True, worthwhile adventures are only for the bold. So if you're looking for a challenge, or just want to expand your mind a bit, pull up a seat and enjoy the ride. More details coming soon. And if you haven't already taken my survey, it's just a few minutes and would really help the process. Thanks!